When I was 19 yrs old, I lost my father. I was in my first year of college, Second semester. My father was having respiratory issues and I understood he was sick, but I didn’t realize how serious it was. I didn’t blame my mother, I know that she wanted me to do well in school and not have the worry that she was probably holding inside….but ofcourse I was so confused.
It was a Tuesday, March 18th, of 2002 the night before I came home late from school, working at a daycare and then seeing friends. I went right to sleep. In the morning I went to say hello to my dad before I left for my morning class, Sociology. My mother stood by their bedroom door and said quietly “I don’t think you should go to school today” Now, at first I thought something like a terrorist attack happened since New York was hit only months ago and why would MY MOM not want me to go to class?! My mother asked me to go into the room and she said “Elaine I want you to be brave” “Daddy was really sick and he passed away last night. He had a heart attack.” I was real quiet at first and then I was overwhelmed with shock and sadness all mixed into one. I replied “Nooooo” I was gone most of that Monday when my father started to have chest pains, He was sent down to the city but suffered a massive heart attack that night. My mother didn’t tell me when I walked in that evening because I immediatley ran to bed and wanted me to have rest before she had to share such terrible news. Ofcourse, I was angry that she didn’t wake me, but I understood that she also needed the time to prepare herself. On that Tuesday, family came to see me. My mother began the funeral arrangements. I could see my mother was just overcome with grief. She lost her partner and I lost my pop. Funeral services were held in the Bronx and my father was buried at Gate of Heaven.March 22nd 2002, my father was laid to rest, my parents wedding anniversary. My mother was crying as the coffin was being lowered. It really felt like a dream. I always looked at my father as someone who was untouchable. When I was a teenager, I had my own phone line and I would be on it very late. I remember one time, I was on the phone and my father knocked on the door and politely said, “Ok you have school tomorrow, call it a night” The phone was under my pillow with the person still on it. I whispered “You still there” I than heard my father say “Yes, I am here, now get offf that phonnne” It still makes me laugh because he was so aware of my wannabe slick moves. I was supposed to go away to college that first year I decided to do one year locally and then go away the following but my mom needed me so I finished near home. After of a few months of my father passing away I developed anxiety, panic attacks. I began to talk to someone about it, which greatly helped me and I was able to control them. People will say Time heals all. I don’t think you are ever healed, you learn to deal with your grief, but the tears always come every now and again but with time, comes alot of smiles….The remembering is part of the process, all the good memories, even the bad make you shake your head with delightful amazement. I met my now husband of 5 yrs in 2003, a chance meeting, really. A friend of mine asked to come over and he happen to tag along. We instantly liked each other. Jed drove big cars just like my father and enjoyed the same music. I like to think that my father sent him to me and attached with Jed was a small part of himself. Jed and I married on my fathers bday June 16th. (2008) I am very greatful for the life I have, a wonderful husband, a beautiful home. I have a great relationship with my mother. My father always told me “You’re mother is your best friend” He was so right. I am 29 now and Sunday marks 10 years that my father has passed, It’s been a decade of loss, love and making my way in this world. I love you pop, I will carry you in my heart always.
tastingraindrops 